Monday, November 15, 2010

Considerations don't let you be yourself

When nothing, no pet or TV, can substitute for human I like to write, to find solace in paper/monitor. But, even in my deep lonely moments, when no human is around, no light is on, no music plays and the huge TV screen casts shadows and then denies them, I dare not confront myself and my past. And, this escape and denial is so delicate and invisible that I am unaware of it. The negligence brings a comfort until I see Leilaie Leili.

I am intimated by her courage, her honesty. She wants and she can be herself, her real self, no disguise, no cover. She dresses in the most comfortable and practical way: no brand, no make up. No need to make herself appealing to anyone. I admire that.

She can talk about her past although it involves taboos. She doesn't care the listener might judge her or be uncomfortable. She is critical and politically aware, she is an engineer and a writer, she analyzes and criticizes, reflects logically and is in love passionately.

When I am with her, I hold a palm on my throat and suffer an emptiness, a disguise, a burden of considerations and like to rebel. Then I remember all people who NEED me to expose only so much and jail the rest. Because of them, I am silent again and in denial. This is the price I pay for my choice.

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